Someone I know is dying. It’s a rude fact to even write on this page. It is devastatingly unwanted, despised, heavy, and incredibly unfair.
I do suppose we are all dying, but sometimes a doctor gives an expiration date and you are forced to stop ignoring that you have one.
Me: I wonder if it scary? To die? Is it terribly sad?
Husband: I think you miss the things you actually have much more than anything in the future.
Me: Like hating to leave the party.?
Husband: Yeah.
I remember going over to play at a friends house as a girl and we would often hide under the bed when it was time to go, hoping somehow we could play just a little longer. Giggling and shushing each other; happy in the way of childhood
When did I start looking forward to leaving the social events and coming home? When did I start to dread going out to work? When did the party and the giggles stop?
Yet, I know this will be true: when my time comes to go, I will miss leaving the party.
I thought about the party all day today. Would I miss fruit? Strawberries, most definitely. Not really bananas. Coffee would be missed greatly, but more so the first thought of drinking coffee when I wake up. That moment is the best.
Would I miss work? Not the charting or the emails. Definitely not the corporate blah blah. But I will miss the time spent listening to other humans being honest in the way that they often are with a doctor. I will miss the trust in that bond.
I will miss the hope in the eyes of a depressed teenager as they feel less alone, the look of pride in a new mom’s eyes, and holding the hands of a one year old as they practice taking steps in the exam room. I will miss the curiosity of the five year old who reaches for my stethoscope and asks to listen to my heart, and the brief lopsided smile of the tough fifteen year old who starts to let his guard down in our teenager-talk-time. I will miss it greatly.
Will I miss laundry? Probably not, but I will miss the feel of folding warm towels and climbing into a bed with clean sheets.
Will I miss the news? Not so much the national news full of alarm bells and doom. But I love holding the newspaper and reading about local openings and closings and accomplishments of the people near me. Books and newspapers have a tactile joy in holding them in my hands that I will miss. Don’t even get me started on the delightful paper smell and peaceful quiet joy of bookstores.
I will miss the outdoors maybe the most. I dislike sunsets, actually, but sunrises delight me. The smell of dirt and the happy disbelief of seeing new garden sprouts. I might not miss swimming in the ocean, there are too many sharks waiting to eat me in my mind, but I will miss the feel of sun warming me on the sand as the saltwater dries.
As I put on my pajamas I realized that I would miss that simple act also. And the feel of cold tile under my feet suddenly felt delightful.
I considered today, a new idea. Perhaps the party is in the details of sunrises and pea sprouts, in honest human faces and hearts, in books and coffee and clean warm towels.
It is my hope that we can all stay at the party together forever, even as I know I will be called home, and someday you will too.
But how easy it is to forget we are still at the party and smile with even a giggle . I guess it is easy to forget until something comes to take you home and you just want to eat one more bowl of fresh strawberries. If you can eat them with a friend while hiding under the bed and giggling; even better.
Beautiful!